"My friends used to tell me it wasn't a sport.  They were just tired of
 losing.  I'M THE KING OF THE FUCKING WORLD."
  --Joe Dietz discussing his habit of eating toenails.
%
"Fourteen years later, The Man caught up with me.  Fortunately, I had a bear
 trap waiting for him."
  --Joe Dietz explaining his own special form of IRS fraud.
%
"IDG Books can eat curds and muthafuckin whey."
  --Joe Deitz, after recieving a Cease and Desist from his own publisher
%
"At this moment, I could pass a piss test.  Wait, what time is it?"
  --Joe Dietz, in his short-lived run for office, when being pressured about
	 his drug-induced stupor-of-a-past.
%
"I've never done drugs in a hotel.  With a hooker, anyway."
  --Joe Dietz, in his short-lived run for Mayor of Washington, D.C.
%
"Uno without gambling is like sex without pudding."
  --Joe Dietz, in _Joe_Dietz_Sells_Out_
%
"Lungs, schpoing!!! Goosta goosta, GOOSTA-GOOSTA-GOOSTA!!! Mootidy-doo!!
 Goosta-goosta-goosta!!"
  --Joe Dietz, from Chapter 35 "Feeding It" of his recently published
    whitepaper "Converting Standard-Issue Pets into Exotic Alien
    Creatures"
%
"Once rigor mortis sets in the only thing to do is roll with it.  It'll
 hopefully be over by the time the doctor gets back from his smoke break
 and then you can let him worry about the nasty after-effects."
  --Joe Dietz in _The_Drunk_Doctor_Who_Saved_My_Life_
%
"Thoroughly wash the breast as if you were going to bowl with it.
 Remember, you want your guests to eat crunchy meat on your platter...
 that's to hide the plastic."
  --Joe Dietz in _Cookin_iz_Cool_
%
"There's no wealth like butter."
  --Joe Dietz, _Investing_the_Dietz_Way_
%
"We all hate the French."
  --Joe Dietz in _Ethnicities_I_Despise,_From_Krauts_to_Kikes_
%
"It's not the beer; it's the foam that gets you."
  --Joe Dietz in _Drinking_Games_for_Foam_and_Profit_
%
"Don't you recognize me?  Does this medium lie?  Isn't it obvious?"
  --Joe Dietz in a moment of confusion
%
"Why would I want to hang around with a bunch of pinkies drinking tea and
 discussing politics when I can dive into a pit of hormones and learn how
 to build my own cell phone from paper clips and an old T.V antenna?"
  --Joe Dietz describing his lifestyle to a pair of confused nuns
%
"Sleep is a poor substitute for caffiene.  That's what I think, anyway."
  --Joe Dietz, swimming in a big green vat of Mountain Dew
%
"I AM READY FOR LOTS OF MOTHER FUCKING SEX, BITCHES!"
  --Joe Dietz, addressing the National Organization of Women
%
"Anything is erotic when it's inserted into a vagina."
  --Joe Dietz in "My Cock, Your Ass", the storybook fable.
%
"You can drink them pretty, but you can't drink them skinny."
  --Joe Dietz, _Men Are From Mars, Women are from Bitchtown_
%
"Who knows.  Possibly.  Which is to say: maybe.  I mean, it's a definite
 could-be."
  --Joe Dietz.  No one is quite sure what he was reffering to.
%
"I find that rolling yourself in butter before frying has always increased
my chances of a greasefire.  Of course, you may not be so lucky." 
                   --Joe Dietz in _Cooking_Tips_for_Pyromaniacs_
%
"Will someone get that damn cat down from the sausage mill?!"
  --Joe Dietz talking to police during the great sausage mishap of 1973
%
"In many countries, removing your eyeballs and replacing them with little
 red blinky lights is a crime.  Thank God for America!"
  --Joe Dietz in _Patriotism_for_Dummies_
%
"Free beef?!  Whose f*#&ing idea was that anyway?  Everyone knows that if
 you give away free beef your customers will ask you for ketchup.  And if
 your customers are asking for ketchup, you might as well close up shop."
  --Joe Dietz in _Marketing_Concepts_for_Beginner_Tire_Salesmen_
%
"Uh huh.  Yeah sure.  Whatever.  You expect me to believe that?  What kind
 of idiot do you take me for?  I wouldn't believe that if the pope told it
 to me.  Your kind sickens me.  I wish you were DEAD."
  --Joe Dietz, age 9, talking to his mother
%
"If there is one thing I know about, it's staple guns.  One time I stapled
 a cow.  Boy, that was a riot.  You should have seen the flobstamp he made!"
  --Joe Dietz in _I_Feel_Your_(Animal's)_Pain_
%
"As a philosphical style, I don't respect it much.  But as a way to get
 chicks... it's great!"  --Joe Dietz flinging insults at Freud
%
"Flabbergasted.  I really enjoy saying that."
  --Joe Dietz in _Joe_Dietz's_Award_Winning_Vocabulary_
%
"Sometimes I think I have it all under control.  Sometimes I think I am
 the most powerful man on earth.  Sometimes I think I could kill someone
 with the power of thought.  Sometimes I think I have three nipples."
  --Joe Dietz in _The_Power_of_Thought:_Its_All_a_Bunch_of_Bullshit_
%
"I'm looking at a picture of a cat with three eyes.  Whats that all
 about?  If I was a cat and I had three eyes I'd be all huffed-up and
 hooey-faced.  And thats a fact!"
  --Joe Dietz in _All_Huffed-Up_And_Hooey-Faced_With_Nowhere_To_Go_
%
"After anything that could possible be construed as a sexual coment,
 simply add 'Thats what she said! huh huhhhuhuhuhhh huh huh huh,' and I
 guess thats really all there is to it."
  --Joe Dietz in _Acting_Like_A_Dumb_Frat_Boy_For_Dummies_
%
"AUUUUUGH!  MY EARS ARE BURNING!!!  SOMEONE STOP THIS!  I CAN'T DEAL WITH
 INTENSE PHYSICAL PAIN!  I THINK I PEED MY PANTS!"
  --Joe Dietz in an extrememly rare loss of bladder control
%
"Its all about hip motion.  If you swing too much, you fall over.  Thats
 no good.  If you don't swing them enough, you look like you have a rod up
 your ass.  If you swing them just right:  WATCH OUT!  BABE ATTACK!"
  --Joe Dietz in _Joe_Dietz's_Babe_Magnetism_Tricks_
%
"When I draw a heart, it looks like it has a little butt at the top.
 Weird, eh?  Fortunately I don't draw many hearts."
  --Joe Dietz in _How_To_Draw_Like_A_Complete_Moron_
%
"I'm in love
 I'm in love
 I'm in love with the beat.
 Yeah I gotta
 Yeah I gotta
 Yeah I gotta move my feet."
  --Joe Dietz's first, last, and only attempt at poetry (as published in
      the bestseller _Joe_Dietz's_First,_Last,_And_Only_Attempt_at_Poetry_)
%
"I broke his leg clean off.  It felt good, I tell ya."
  --A quote in _The_New_York_Times_ attributed to Joe Dietz.  Dietz denies
      he ever made any such remark.
%
"When I was a kid the circus stood for something.  Mainly just freaks and
 crazy motherfuckers.  But still.  At least it stood for something.  These
 days, the circus is just a stepping stone to the REAL freak show: MTV's
 _Real_World._  And I refuse to be associated with such a 'circus' (if you
 can even call it that anymore)."
  --Joe Dietz in 1992's annual _State_of_the_Circus_ address
%
"So I'm Canadian, eh?  That's cool, eh?  I really dig that, eh?"
  --Joe Dietz, upon getting his honorary Canadian citizenship (c. 1973)

"Fuck you, eh!
  --Joe Dietz after having his honorary Canadian citizenship revoked five
    minutes later.
%
"I have this dream.  I'm running and I'm running and all of a sudden I
 realize I'm holding scissors.  And I remember what my mom told me when I
 was a kid.  And then I start to cry.  And there's a guy behind me
 watching me cry.  And I think to myself 'Hey!  How come he gets to watch
 me cry?  That's NOT FAIR!'  So I whirl around and stab the scissors in
 his ear.  Boy you should've seen that guy cry!! HAHA!"
  --Joe Dietz sharing his dream at an open-mic poetry session
%
"Two wrongs don't make a right.  Unless you're in Wyoming.  I guess they
 have different rules there or something."
  --Joe Dietz in _Fifty_States_of_Fun:_A_Gangsta's_Guide_to_US_Travel_
%
"DON'T, I say, DO NOT EVER feed him after midnight.  If you do he turns
 into some little gross dragon-demon-satan thing, and that really sucks."
  --Joe Dietz in his own remake of the movie _Gremlins_
%
"My mother used to abuse me. She never gave me bread when I asked for a
 peanut butter and jelly sandwich. But then again, I was 27 and still
 living at home. Go figger."
  --Joe Dietz
%
"I tried dating a Catholic once, but my arms got tired holding up the
 Flags. And to think, the Coast Guard should be doing this."
  --Joe Dietz
%
"More than a mug of root beer, I say. Gimmie the beerz, GIMMIE THE BEERZ!"
  --Joe Dietz from  _How_to_Americanize_your_Korean_Buddies_ c.1993
%
"Computers, the internet, it's just a large scale version of Knott's Berry
Farm. Oh, and instead of Snoopy, there's porn. Yeah."
  --Joe Dietz, 1995
%
"Republicans and meat, now there's an idea. Grind em up together and you
 got some crazy dish. But I accidently mixed in some Ralph Nader. Ended up
 spoiling the whole batch. Whoops. Should have kept in him the salad."
  --Joe Dietz, enjoying writing his first book _The_Gub'ment_&_Eatin'_
%
"It's not fake, it's just incorrect in a way that is advantageous to me."
  --Joe Dietz, explaining his false ID.
%
"Never forget that you're never more than 72 hours away from death by
dehydration.  Drinking will only prolong that death."
  --Joe Dietz, _On_A_Horse_With_No_Name_