January 29th 1998:

X-MAS vs. Christmas

X-Mas? During this last Christmas, I found a photo of me when I was very small. Here it is. I have no memory of the Christmas pictured here. I find these pointers, these documents, and yet I question their validitiy. As a photographer myself, I have no problem with the idea of the photograph as a document, as "Proof" that events have occured. What I have a problem accepting is the ramifications of these documents being used to validate MY pre-conscience existance.

I have reason to belive that my existance pre-dates my conscience existance because I have photos to document this. I have complete faith in the medium. I have faith in my parents' account of my existance. I have PROOF.

And yet. I just can't except it. My sense of reality is very much about what I am now, and what I'm doing now. I can only remember back to about 1975-6. I'm sure I have memories from earlier, but they aren't as valid(?) as more recent events. There could be 20,000 photographs of me, my parents, my grandparents, etc, and yet, I'd still have trouble accepting them unless I had personal experience with the photo myself.

Unfortunately it's probably true that the earth existed before me, WITHOUT MY APPROVAL. I think that it may be a problem with trust. I have no trust much other then myself. Is that more then you want to know. It's hard for me to simultaneously have such faith in a medium such as photography and yet be able to simply dismiss it. The photo on the right is clearly more real to me, even though rationally I must admit that perphaps the above photo is a more accurate description of facts/reality. I was very young. I didn't understand the concept of the photograph. There was no pretense there. I had no need to "pose" as it were.

What is reality? Clearly my intrepretation of reality is based on my experience. Photography fits into my definition of reality because I experience it and exert control and influence on it. Perhaps that's that many people's perception of reality is based on. Weird, huh?